


Now You're a Real Criminal

by Wristic



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Blackmail, Death Threats in the Form of Riddles, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Forced Sidekick, Heavy Petting, Kissing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-02-04 21:47:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12780189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wristic/pseuds/Wristic
Summary: Stealing from employers isn't something you care to stop on account of an ex-Arkham residence running for mayor. It's just a game really, but when Edward Nygma comes on the scene you feel a punch of dread, of just knowing you'll be found out. While he does uncovers your nefarious ways, killing you starts to turn into an after thought the more he thinks on... other uses.





	1. Chapter 1

Acting stupid was the greatest game you ever played, and the things it allowed you to get away with, oh, now that was the greatest treat you ever earned. Ditzy, ditsy you, too dumb but golden-hearted to do any wrong. You weren’t even sure how it started. Maybe out of spite, maybe for the rush, now here you stood behind no easier mark than Oswald Cobblepot.

Granted he didn’t react to you like former employers did, feeding off your empty headed ploy and cutesy mannerisms, but he was a high strung fellow. Busy, busy, always  _too busy_  to really pay attention, to look at the books himself. A good two thousand had been siphoned off him already, the numbers littered all over Gotham and away from you, yet your new clothes were anything but cheap. For someone so rude and conniving, who knew Oswald could be so generous.

“Oswald-Mr. Cobblepot… sir? Could you sign these, please?” They were typical papers; all the dough for a proper campaign, donations to schools and orphanages, and miscellaneous. Pens, badges, flyers, a five hundred check split between five unknown parties. You held the clipboard in both hands, waiting patiently as he aggressively flipped through them, not taking a single real glance as he signed them.

There was nothing more satisfying than getting away with it too. In how easy it was, in how everyone saw you as so non-threatening. Slamming the pen back on the board, Oswald let it fall without any care to you. You bent down to pick it up and was almost dizzy with bliss as you came back up, like you should thank him for paying for your coming five hundred dollar shopping spree.

He grumbled and turned away from you to have Jameson jabber on and on about making appearances. Spinning on your heel, all sense of delight halted at the tall figure looming over you. All in green with dark eyes under a darker hat. “O-oh. I’m sorry.” You adjusted your far-bigger-than-they-needed-to-be glasses, forcing a smile. “I didn’t see you there.”  

He only gave a short hum, forcing a smile of his own. In a voice you found startlingly deep he held out a hand and asked, “Mind if I see those?”

“Oh!” You waved with a chuckle and danced your all too cheery tune, “Don’t you worry yourself! I got it all figured out! I just go and hand it to Mr. Yanovich and he does all the numbers!”

Still smiling down at you, he asserted. “Than you won’t mind me seeing them.”

But you did. There was nothing to see, not really, yet you felt like a fox trying to hide from a bloodhound. “I don’t know how Mr. Yanovich would feel about someone else handling them-”

“It’ll only be a moment. I promise.” The feigned sweetness was too obvious to you, making your gut twist in knots.

Giving an exaggerated shift to try and look cute, you sighed, “Alright. But don’t get me in trouble!”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” As soon as the clipboard was placed in his hand the smile dropped and he sped off like lightening. You were left lost, heart slamming in your chest as he slowed to a stand behind Oswald, reading the papers very closely.

It was then you realized what you were really contending with. Oswald wasn’t just some perverted idiot. His friends weren’t a bunch of dumb beer buddies. He may have been released from Arkham, despite the fact no one got released from Arkham, but that didn’t change the fact he killed people, that he ran the cities underground with murderers and criminals of the worst kind.

Nervously biting your lip, you slowly turned away, hiding back behind your designated secretary desk, forcing down the idea everyone was watching you.

You never did see those papers again. Any you had Oswald sign left your hands and went to Edward Nygma’s. It became routine, and you weren’t sure if you should keep up the typical transactions or take them out, worried he would catch something amiss. Five hundred was a lot to suddenly not need. Decidedly you kept the numbers stagnant, just ‘tossing-around’ money, unmarked money to keep unknown people happy. Yet you were terrified of doing anything with that money, keeping it stashed and out of sights.

And then the shift happened. Taking your clipboard, this time Edward didn’t walk off, but stared down at your shoes.

“My… those are awfully nice buckles you have.” You pushed your puffy flowery skirt out of the way and acknowledged; the buckles were real gold, and while bought from a time before working for Oswald, still clean and untarnished.

“Thank you! They were a gift!”

His eyes drug up you, taking in every little detail. The shoes, the tights, the skirt, the belt, the bracelets and rings, the blouse, the earrings, the glasses. You tilted your head in curiosity, all you could do to keep down the panic.

A smile grew on him, something real and with a devious edge that made your heart slam harder. “A very nice gift for a very nice lady.” He offered, making your head spin before you caught yourself and gave a shy giggle. “Have a nice day Ms. (Y/L/N).”

Nygma got more and more energetic around you, like he was in on a little secret shared only between you two. It was strange; if he knew you were stealing, shouldn’t he make some sort of move? Call you out, call the police? You didn’t understand what was taking him so long. His favorite thing to do was ask you really hard questions that you  _could_ answer, but would break your persona if you did. After you’d fail Edward would stare into you for a long moment before winking and leaving without a word. There was never a real sign that he knew about the money laundering, until the Gala.

You found a lonely wall, hiding from an old boss that may have gotten suspicious over time. Sipping very leisurely you looked around at the denizens of finely dressed people and the giant glittering chandeliers above, the lights a wonderful golden glow that almost made you feel like you were in a dream the longer you spaced out. A splash of green caught you, your tall thin glass of champagne slipping from your fingers to his.

Your lungs sucked in a stinging air and held it, paining you before breaking out in a smile. “Hello Mr. Nygma! I didn’t think you’d be here! It doesn’t at all seem your tastes.”

He seemed so relaxed, back against the wall, sipping your sparkling drink with his hat dipped low, eyes trailing along the crowd. “On the contrary, I like a good performance.” You looked out a bit confused before he interrupted your thoughts. “You like games (Y/N)? How about a riddle?”

Your chest ached, begging behind your eyes for someone to take you away. “O-oh no thank you, I’m no good at-”

“You can’t see, hear or feel me, until it’s too late. I am what shadows love but what shopkeepers hate. What am I?”

You gave a pause, not in thought, but fear. Edward looked to you before smiling, a malevolence in his sharp gaze. Steadying yourself you shrugged with an innocent, “I don’t know.”

He motioned the glass to you, “Try.” You started up the ums and uhs before he rolled his eyes back to the crowd. “Try… without acting like a ditz.”

The words cut through you, sighing the agony before giving a sheepish, “A thief?”

He echoed in a satisfied growl, “ _A thief_.” and set a tremble in your knees. Pushing himself to a full stand Edward walked by you and ordered. “Follow me please.”

Taking a last bit of living air, you followed, every step feeling closer to your end. As you passed through doors, he happily asked, “How about another one!” not minding the people littering less and less.

“I make you weak at the worst of all times.” Despite facing away from you, you saw his hands exaggerate his words. “I keep you safe, I keep you fine. I make your hands sweat and your heart grow cold. I visit the weak, but seldom the bold. What am I?”

He came to a door, down a hall with no people, spinning and leaning against it with bright anticipation. Gulping, you answered. “Fear?”

“You are  _good_ at this! Isn’t this so much more fun than acting stupid?! Another one!” The door to the dark empty room opened wide for you. You took the slightest glance in, the moonlight through the windows the only lamp. Looking to him, he only motioned with a jump of his brows and waited.

Forcing a steadying breath in your stone heavy chest, you took those dooming steps. He didn’t speak until he was inside and the door was shut, his voice dark and deep in the empty room. “So cold, damp and dark I am. To stay you would refrain, yet those who occupy me do never complain. What am I?”

All the dread built itself into a frenzy, spilling from you in a trembling plea, “I never used the money!” Edward started stalking to you and you started stumbling back, “I have it, all of it! I can give it back! It’s just habit, see, I didn’t really think about who I was stealing from! And then I did and I didn’t really know what to do but I did save it and I didn’t mean anything by it and I can give it back, I-”

Your back hit the wall, eyes watering as he stood a breath away, tilting his head and asking, “So cold, damp and dark I am. To stay you would refrain, yet those who occupy me do never complain. What am I?”

Dodging his unforgiving eyes, you whispered, “A grave.”

His cold fingers ran along your jaw, down your neck to play with your dress collar. “Something I couldn’t quite figure out is; someone as smart as you scrounging around in small time jobs, stealing instead of just going to school. Why is that?”

You shrugged, still unwilling to look at him. “I-I don’t know.”

Edward got eye level with you, “I’ve really gotten tired of you saying those words.”

Feeling foolish every time you had to admit, you sighed and explained simply, “It’s… fun.”

“More fun than having a stable high paying job?” You shrugged. Edward stood back up and gave a great laugh to that.

Shifting disheartened, he suddenly caged you with his hands slamming on the walls, brimming with energy, “No no! I get it! Unsuspecting, too dumb to pull off, ‘oh but she was such a nice girl.’ Even if you got caught, just about everyone would stand by your defense. Maybe even the Judge when he got a look at your vestal eyes. But that’s not enough is it?” You gave him a curious glance and he finished, “It’s the slightest-the teeniest tiny chance someone won’t believe you. That you’ll get caught and you have to use every trick in the book to get out. If you were a higher up in a bank no one could care. Steal millions and no one bats an eye, steal a couple hundred and now you’re a real criminal. It’s the idea of the challenge always sitting under your nose, ready to take on at a moment’s notice, that’s where the  _real_  excitement is.”

You went to argue when he added, more like a thought to himself, “That’s way you kept stealing, instead of just running with what you had.”

Something about that chilled you, clicked in all the wrong places.

“You ran from all your other employers when they might of started catching on. Yet you didn’t run from… me.” He tilted his head, smiling in a day-dreamy way. While Ed was ready to over-romanticize that bit, you were faced with a truth you long denied, it was the hint of danger you enjoyed most. The downfall often imagined as epic and poetic, as some untouched adventure waiting around the corner.

You didn’t like thinking on it, finding this all too risky territory. Quickly you changed the subject. “What do you want?”

It seemed to throw him off, asking with a sincere confusion, “What do I want?”

“Yeah. You haven’t told the police, so what do you want from me?”

“Oh… uh… I  _had_ planned on killing you and making it look like an accident but, well now I feel a sort of kinship here.” Edward stood up straight, adjusting his glasses as he thought. You glared at him as he did, wanting to shout out how unbelievable this was. The only thing to stop you was how offhandedly he was ready to kill you a few moments ago. He gave a clap of his hands, “You can be my lackey!”

You had to blink to comprehend that. “…your what?”

“My lackey! Like Oswald with Butch! And-and Galavan with the Maniacs!”

Crossing your arms defensively, you gawked at him, “You want me to be your errand idiot?”

Completely unfazed he pointed out, “Isn’t that kind of what you do now?”

True as it was, you were still offended. “I put a lot of work into my persona! It fooled you!”

“Which makes you perfect for this! Think of all this like an audition, and you passed!” Despite how positively excited he was, you scoffed, throwing yourself back on the wall in a pout. He shrugged, “I could always kill you.”

“Or turn me into the police!” You countered.

Ed gave an opposing hiss, “That’s too much of a risk you’ll get away with it. Besides, this will be fun! For now keep playing into your act until I call upon you in my time of need. Also tell no one of this conversation.” You didn’t agree or disagree, just stared up with an annoyed glare. “See you at work tomorrow!” He pinched your cheek hard and walked away.

“What do I do with the money!?”

“Keep it for me.”

“If I get caught I’m throwing you under the bus!”

With a final wave out the door, Ed called with proud delight, “Pleasure doing business with you and remember, I can always kill you!”


	2. Chapter 2

 

“So, you and Nygma huh?” Tandy took you back, a big smile growing like she pulled one over you. The truth of the matter was you knew this would happen eventually, just not so soon. But then again, persona wise, you and Ed  _were_ opposites. If anyone liked watching chemistry, the obvious favored choice would be between the people who have none.

Pushing out the sweetness you gave an innocent, “Me and Mr. Nygma?”

She slid in across your desk until she was up on it. “Don’t play innocent with me! I know whats going on behind closed doors!”

“We’re just friends!”

“ _Just friends_ , uh-huh, I got ya, wink wink.” Reaching back she pulled a piece of folded paper from her pocket and shoved it in your face. In it’s center was a simple question mark written in green highlighter. “Saw him leave this on your desk this morning.” Your brow knitted, reaching out to take it when Tandy yanked it back from you. Unfolded and read allowed, you overcame with embarrassment for the people standing by.

You and I are bound by impish delights,  
The passions of violation ignites,  
One and one,  
Me without you would be half as fun.

You sighed as the answer came to you. Tandy slapped the letter on your shoulder, “Impish delights? What’s that all about  _huh_? Tell me these  _impish delights_  you two have been sharing!” She looked back at the words, “Sounds  _incredibly_ naughty.”

“ _Tandy_.” It was a struggle to keep down the firmness in your tone. Trying to grab the letter again, she snapped it back out of reach again. “It’s not what you think it is!”

She used it to fan her face, feet swaying playfully, not caring for the people avoiding getting kicked as they skirted around her. “Sounds an awful lot like a sexy love letter to me.”

“Well it isn’t!” Finally able to rip it from her hand, you adjusted your glasses and read it over again. “Although… I  _can_ see why you might think that…” You slammed your fists on the table. “But it’s not!” Making her chortle at your theatric. “I happen to already know what this is about and it’s not at all as filthy as you want to imagine.” You hoped anyway.

 

* * *

 

Not even at the top step and you were grumbling and groaning. How could he dump you into his arsenal for a laugh? How could you let yourself get caught by him? Why were you standing in front of his door instead of running away? Letting out a long sigh, you knocked.

When the door swung open you were hit with the aroma of cooked and marinated meat, surprising you to say the least. “If you’re in the middle of dinner-”

“You got my letter!” Edward bristled with excitement. “What’s the answer?”

You rolled your eyes, pulling the note from your coat pocket and landing it on his chest. “I sure did  _Partner in Crime_. But next time you might want to avoid words like ‘passion ignites’ and being ‘bound’. My friend and now by extension  _everyone_ thinks we’re secretly dating and into some kinky stuff.”

“What?!” He took it and backed up to let you in, reading it over as he shut the door.

Unbuttoning the top of your coat, you slowed as you looked at the sight across the room, under a big window to the city. “Hey, Nygma… you meeting someone or was ‘Partner in Crime’ not the answer?”

“Oh course it was the answer! And,” He gave a frustrated shrug, “ _maybe_ I can see where it might be interpreted differently but-” Looking up he saw you pointing with a smirk to the small table set for two, complete with candles and wine glasses. The silverware was placed but no plates yet as the stove was still sizzling a small ways beside him.

Offended you would assume such a thing of him, Ed nearly stamped his foot, “I just thought we could celebrate!”

“Celebrate?”

“Yes! On our first job together!”

“Oh~” You chuckled, slipping off your coat. “Well it’s beautiful, I must say this is the nicest not-date anyone has set up for me.”

“Is that because all the guys you do date are nimrods you plan to steal from?” He snapped, red in his cheeks from the string of mishaps and assumptions.

Either he did some serious digging in your life or he was that good at guessing, either way, “Low blow, Nygma. Low blow.”

Ed got his snide half smile in before going back to his kitchen. You moseyed your way over, trying to hold back your pout. Yet he had to push a little further. “I’m only saying, maybe you wouldn’t be so surprised by some fine dining if you dated some decent guys.”

You peeked around his shoulder, him giving you an annoyed glance at the invasion of space. On the counter was a prepped bowl of salad already mixed with balsamic dressing and sprinkled in a kind of white cheese. The two stakes were crisped and browned deliciously in a wide skillet, the steam of them making your mouth water. “Who was it a  _decent guy_  like you killed that landed you in Arkham again?”

You quickly turned away with your prideful smile, not wanting to get cold feet and apologize under his glare.

“What would you know about that?” he growled.

“Enough.” You chimed, picking up a wooden ball with lines along it, seemingly at random. “After I realized my mistake in stealing money from a  _renown underworld crime lord_ , I looked into your past since you two seemed like buds.” You realized the lines were actually pieces, pulling one out. Suddenly very interested in the toy, you set it down and took it apart, your back trying to block his view. “Killer starts with a detective and co-worker, then the file manager, who happened to be dating said detective and co-worker? Sounds an awful lot like a good old fashion love triangle situation to me.”

“Yeah. I guess it wouldn’t be that hard to…” Ed pulled out a tray of tin foil wrapped baked potatoes from the oven when he caught you at work. Leaning over as far as he could with the tray still in his gloved hand, he spotted the puzzle already half finished and twisting around in your hands, pieces methodically placed and planned out before it was finished. “(Y/N), for curiosity’s sake, do you know what your IQ is?”

You paused and gave a bit of a grump to the question, the memory of a certain private school for gifted children always leaving a bad taste in your mouth. “I don’t like numbers to those kinds of things. Always gives people an insufferable ego.” You pushed in the last piece and spun the wooden globe, walking away to the elegantly set up table to take a seat. “I like games that’s all, I don’t see why it has to be anything more than that.”

“And creating an overly complicated, near untraceable trail of theft is a game?”

“Heck yes!” You started balancing the silverware in what looked like an impossible balancing act on the empty wine glass. You never could stop yourself. Pushing back your real intelligence all day caused this build up of energy in your head and hands. When you got home, it all came spilling out with your boredom. You weren’t home, but your act was long lost on Edward anyway. “Even if anyone cared enough to look into a measly 500 hundred missing out of thousands: the numbers are split between five parties. Alluding to a non-existent ring. Concealing a motive far too simplistic for so many people and such great efforts. And of course different people picking up the checks every other week, further pushing that ‘crime ring’ idea. But~ it’s not. It’s only me. Havin’ some fun.”

“Every answer is crafted to be the opposite of the equation.” Edward concluded with a smile as he finished a display on one of the plates.

“Speaking of which, I’ve been wanting to ask, how  _did_ you find me out exactly?”

As he walked over and set down two beautifully set dishes, he gave a curious glance to your use of the utensils before fixing his glasses, “Hm? Oh, your clothes.”

“My clothes?”

“On the banks cameras. You were wearing some of those articles for your disguises. Especially the shoes, you seem to favor them. Also they  _are_ rather expensive for someone who works only a hair above the minimum wage.”

You gave a small pout as you were wearing those exact shoes now. “They look good on me.“ You mumbled before asking, "Why did the banks let  _you_ view their cameras?”

“I’m the Chief of Staff.” He proudly exclaimed.

“Oh,  _that_.” Being so far in the background you tended stay out of the events. Also every time you saw Eds face you tended to throw the paper across the room or change the channel. Giving him a bit of a stink eye you tried to defend yourself. “But you wouldn’t have been able to point that out and link it to me if we didn’t work together every day!”

“Wouldn’t have cared enough.” He corrected with a smile. Reserved to pouting again, you tapped a finger while he fetched a wine bottle and began pouring it. 

“You know, you don’t sound like you need a sidekick.”

“I don’t; but, you know, plenty of people have their partners and underlings. It looks like fun! Might as well make it someone who’s half as smart as me.”

Distracting your irritated air, you looked to the dinner before you. The hairs on your arms rose a little, your heart speeding up as he sat down on his side. It was such a nice dinner. It made you feel a little thrown off your feet taking it in. Yeah you conned your way through relationships, they were never the best people. Yet here Ed was, not exactly a prime example of virtuous character, and that didn’t stop him from making a lovely date for your blossoming ‘partnership’.

“What?”

Ed was already downing his meal when you hadn’t so much as touched yours, absorbed in your oddly jealous state. A bit startled, you fell back on distraction. Dismantling your silverware balancing act you concentrated hard on cutting the thick steak. “So what was it you wanted me to do? And I’ll say now,” You pointed with a block of stake at the end of your fork. “I won’t kill anyone for you, and I’ll never take a bullet for you.”

Placing the piece in your mouth, you were so glad he was more concentrated in his plate. You couldn’t stop the twist of delight as the savory taste melted on your tongue.

“We are going to find out who the Red Hood Gang is, dismantle them, and kill them!” He looked at you, your brows raised in defiance and he corrected with a roll of his eyes. “Okay,  _I’ll_ kill them, but you’re going to help me unmask them!”

“What have you found on them?”

“Absolutely nothing. And we’ll not have anything until we get into a forensics lab.”

“Good luck with that.” You snarked, forgetting your words in an uncontrollable moan. The creamy spuds stuffed inside its crispy shell was mixed perfectly with the sprinkled herbs. You took him more for a takeout kind of guy but damn, some of the restaurants you’d treated yourself to didn’t hold a candle to what he made. “ _Wow_ , and this  _literally_ pains me to put aside my spite and admit, you are a  _ridiculously_ good cook.” You tried a bit of the salad only to whisper is awe, “ _Oh my god_.”

Basking in the flattery, Ed happily noted, “What is cooking if not a science. Anyway, I want you to forget any plans you have tomorrow and come to the GCPD precinct with me.”

The eating slowed as you took that in, Edward not noticing. “That would kind of conflict with my whole… persona thing.”

He scoffed, waving off your concern, “You don’t need. It’s annoying anyway.”

“Okay, but, like,” His brow furrowed at your sudden nervousness, “I kind of, like, I  _need_ it. I worked hard getting everyone to buy it and to suddenly just break out of character? I-I don’t like that.”

Sitting back and sipping his wine, Ed took his time considering you, “Why is it so important for you to do your ‘stupid’ act?”

“I think you meant wholesome and innocent,” You accused before shrugging, “And probably some psychological reason doing with some childhood trauma, I dunno.”

“You know that’s… probably the  _exact_ reason right?”

With a grimace you snidely pointed out, “Well I’m not going to get into it with you, tall murderous man who’s taken my life hostage.”

He conceded with a tip of his glass. Sighing, Ed offered, “Well, a bunch of idiots might think we’re dating but it’s convenient at least. We’ll promote you to my personal secretary and no one should question it in the least.”

Tossing your head back you groaned, “Yeah except you won’t have to deal with  _TAAAAANDYYY_.”

“I thought you two were friends.”

“We are! She’s a wonderful friend! She’s a wonderful person! But, she, sometimes she just, she-” You made a strangle gesture with a growl. “You know what I mean!?”

Ed thought a moment before a fond smile came to him. “Yeah, I know a few like that.”


	3. Chapter 3

The precinct was about as awkward as you imagined. He did, in fact, kill a few people there not a year ago. It was almost comical watching Ed stride in with a smile, relaxed around so many that wanted to choke him. Yet his threats were anything but funny. In a few words the room was helpless under the power of his authority. It was a wonder how awkward and bright you appeared, left behind after he spurred off to the forensics lab.  
  
Reluctant to break the screaming intensity of the room, you gave a small cough. Holding the clipboard close, the grumpy detectives Edward had threatened personally snapped their heads to you. With a glee you smiled and introduced your name, and more importantly, “I’m Mr. Nygma’s secretary!”   
  
Their glares raised into confused glances toward one another.  
  
“I got promoted this morning.” you added with a chipper tone. They both gave an even more confused smile.  
  
Jim was the first to cave, holding out his hand with a demeanor so polarized from the way he spoke to Ed. “Uh, Jim Gordon. Is there something you wanted?”  
  
“Oh! That’s right!” you gasped, “Mr. Nygma wanted me to collect any files on those hooded people?”  
  
“The Red Hood Gang?” Bullock asked, a hint of judging you in his tone. Your whole department should be talking them, with it being attacked by the crooks after all.  
  
“Yeah! I think so!”

The two shifted, Jim glancing away in Ed’s last direction. When he came back to face Harvey, there was wide-eyed apology there. Harvey’s face fell annoyed but pleading, only for Jim’s face to twist into a sorry frown. Turning back to you with a bright smile, Jim offered, “If you don’t mind miss-”

“No-no-no-” Harvey begged under his breath.  
  
“You can follow Detective Bullock here and he’ll give you everything you need.”  
  
“Jim! Jim-no-” In a swish Jim was gone, stalking fast to catch Ed. Left alone with the defeated Harvey, you tilted your head in innocent expectancy. Harvey forced a smile before motioning for you to follow.  
  
Pattering to keep up, you decided to start some digging. “It’s hard to imagine Mr. Nygma working here. Was he always so… you know,”  
  
“Arrogant? Homicidal? A  _dick_?”   
  
Holding back a smile you could only offer a nervous, “Uhh-”  
  
“No. Ed was a geeky little worm not six months ago. Annoying to boot. Always going off with his riddles…” He grumbled.  
  
“Yeah the riddles, what’s all that about?“  
  
“Who knows. Ed’s always been a little screwy.” He opened the door and gave a little bow for you to come in. Seeing the file room, a chill ran up your spine remembering the graphic details of Ms. Kringle’s death. ‘Dismembered’ was the favored description.  
  
Walking down an aisle, Harvey stopped and leaned on a cabinet. “Hey, how did you come into employment with Ed? You seem so…” He struggled to find a way of pointing out you appeared to only have a small fraction of Edwards intelligence. After a pained few seconds he saved with, “Nice!”  
  
You smiled wider trying not to laugh, “Thank you! A lot of people tell me that!”  
  
“They’re not wrong.” He pointed. “But Ed isn’t the type that works well with others. He’s treating you alright, isn’t he?”  
  
“Well we’ve been working together for a little while but we’ve never had much interaction before. We would pass off the numbers for the campaign, you know, like all the stuff we have to buy to look good and sell the election. It’s a lot of work and it takes a lot of money. People might think it’s easy but it’s busy-busy all the time! One time, while I was hanging the bows-”  
  
“Is he  _treating_ you  _nice_? Like, he doesn’t yell at you a lot does he? Or… make you do thing you’re uncomfortable with?”   
  
You bit your lips, looking off. Now was your chance. You could whisper how Ed was threatening you into playing his underling. How he was planning to kill people. How he wanted you involved and would kill you if you backed out in any way.   
  
Yet, Ed was Chief of Staff and could no doubt hire his own jury. Also he was a murderer and would be overjoyed to kill you on the slightest provocation you weren’t faithful. Down the road, after a lot of careful consideration and set up, you could come out. But right now this one old time detective wasn’t enough to bet on.  
  
“Mmmm-nope! He’s no different from any other boss I’ve had!”   
  
Harvey hummed to that, looking off almost disappointed. “But I only started working close with him this morning, if I see anything, I’ll know who to call!”  
  
Harvey nodded, not taking the veiled cry for help to heart and instead held out the thin folder. Turning the file over, disappointed with the lack of beef, you followed him out. Ed’s gravel reached your ears and you lifted the file, waving it childishly, “Oh Mr. Nygma! I got the thingy!”  
  
Unimpressed with your act, Ed patted his knees and cheered like you were a little puppy, “Good job! Look at you! Shaping up to be a spectacular employee!”  
  
Offended he’d play so petty, it was hard to keep your glare back, the smile straining not to turn into a snarl as he walked by and ripped the file from your hand.

* * *

 

Bare feet kicked up on the couch, you flipped through what little there was to know about the Red Hood Gang and it’s previous affiliations. All the associates were dead, leaving this copy-cat gang dry on leads, even more so on motives. Ed was at his own large desk with maps and pictures and a notepad he scribbled all over when something connected, boiling down the places the gang hideout could be. Peeking at him, it was strange seeing Ed out of his suit and hat. You dare say he looked like a natural born person in a white t-shirt and plaid pajama pants, hair falling in disarray the more he combed through it in frustration.   
  
“I find it interesting they’re not a true copy-cat. The group before was nothing but a bunch of bank robbers. Terrorizing the mayor wasn’t exactly on their list.” Ed gave a vague hum. “Makes me think someone hired them, know what I mean, using the icon as a front?” He gave another uninterested hum. “Come on Ed, motive’s important.”   
  
Thinking about it you started mumbling to yourself. “Which is why mine is always kind of embarrassing. ‘I did cause it’s fun.’ isn’t as exciting as ‘I did it for vengeance!’ or ‘I learned it from watching you!’-”  
  
“Motive takes a backseat and can be misleading when the evidence comes to surface. It’ll be easier to put everything in place once we find out where they are.” Glancing over his shoulder he pointed out, “If I got caught up in motive I might not have found  _you_.”  
  
You tipped up the papers, ignoring his self-bloating. “I don’t know, this has all been really personal. They decapitated his mother for crying out loud.”  
  
“They’re thugs. They’ll do anything for name recognition.”  
  
You gave an opposing hum. “Has he pissed anyone off recently?”  
  
Edward scoffed, “He was a crime lord that brutalized everyone he had to climb by. There are plenty of criminals who would want him dead or terrorized.” You looked back to the pictures of the past exploits that had nothing to do with Oswald. “This is why motive doesn’t mean much when you gather evidence. Evidence narrows it all down to an absolute, motive is too broad a scope and half the time relies on a gut feeling.”    
  
“Have  _you_ pissed anyone off recently?” Edward shot a glare over his shoulder before turning back to his work. “I’m serious.” You chimed. “Did you step on anyone’s toes to get into your position? Maybe someone who would want to make you look weak to Oswald in an effort to get it back?”  
  
Ed spun around in his seat, his mouth opening to no doubt demean you in some way. Instead he halted, tilting his head away as he thought allowed, “Butch has been staring me down a lot lately… but it couldn’t be. I know he’s an idiot but to attack Oswald in that way, he would at least know the anger to erupt from Oswald-.”  
  
You hopped up excited, stalking and dramatic as if it was your plot. “Would taste  _so sweet_  if it turned on you should someone, say, a  _spurred lackey_  came to save the day instead.” his features softened in realization. With a smirk you leaned on his chair, teasing with a down-tilt of your giant glasses. “If I were you, I’d throw out the idea of underestimating someone just because you think they’re stupider than you.”  
  
His eyes side glanced you, returning the smile. “Still,” He pushed his glasses up and turned back to his map. “Motive means nothing without evidence.”  
  
But you didn’t leave, hands still fastened to the chair as you looked off in thought. It started distracting and annoying Edward, making him huff. “Could you go think somewhere else please?”  
  
“Is there anything coming up soon? Something with a lot of people or media presence?”  
  
“Oswald is having a party and inviting some of Gothams richest.”  
  
“Oh the gang is definitely going to hit that party-”  
  
“ _Obviously_. That’s what I’m trying to prevent.” Ed grumbled, still agitated with your looming presence.   
  
You mocked him behind his back, tipping more to look at the map with black circles and lines all over it. “So what evidence do you have?”  
  
“The only thing out of place was potassium-chloride found on the abandoned vehicle.”  
  
You started putting your weight on the chair, making its front feet tip despite his weight. Just as he was about to snap at you, you asked, “Like the stuff they use in laundry detergent?”  
  
He was struck silent, spinning back to his map and crossing out a few circles before doubly circling a foundry in the Narrows. Sitting back with a clap and a laugh, Ed’s voice dripped in satisfaction. “I know where they are.”  
  
He shoved the chair back, no mind for your stumbling to not get your toes bashed. “Get your coat!”  
  
You tip-toed the cold floor to slip on your shoes by the couch. “Wha-why?!”   
  
“We’re going to pay the Red Hood Gang a visit!”  
  
You gave a tiny helpless, “What?!”

* * *

 

Deep in the night of the foundry, some lights were on where they shouldn’t have been. You two creeped up to the building echoing with distant voices, the car far behind. Edward stood up straight and adjusted his coat as soon as the entrance was at his feet.  
  
“You called for back up right?” You whispered, curled up behind him.  
  
“Not yet.”  
  
“What do you mean not yet!?” You rasped, smacking his shoulder.  
  
“I want to ask them a few questions first.” He argued, turning amused by your anxiety over the situation.  
  
“You can’t just walk in there Ed! You said it yourself, they’re thugs! They’ll probably get spooked and shoot you on the spot! I know you want to find out what this is all about but you can’t honestly think-”  
  
Smiling, he placed a single finger on your lips. “I can never be stolen from you.” You deflated and glared at him. “I am owned by everyone. Some have more, some have less. What am I?”   
  
You rolled your eyes with a frustrated sigh. Hands on your hips, you were stern, “What does  _knowledge_ have to do with walking into a death trap?”  
  
Ed only held his smile, his eyes searching in yours in a dizzy way before tapping your lips and ordering, “Watch, and learn.”  
  
With that he straightened his back and waltz headlong into the abandoned foundry. You stuttered a bit, far too frightened with following but came to break, charging in to stand behind him.  
  
“Hello gentlemen.”   
  
His voice reverberated off the steel walls. Ed held his hands up as they all jumped from their card game and drinking, pulling out weapons. “Easy now, I only want to talk.” He eyed the red masks all scattered on the table and smiled wider. “I see I found the right place.”  
  
Guns of every kind pointed at you two, the leader tilted his nose up, “What do you want to talk about?”  
  
“The routine. Who you’re working for, what they want, how much I need to pay you to tell me all that such n’ such?”  
  
They scoffed among each other.   
  
Ed turned to you, “I’m gonna assume you have a couple thousand on you, yes?”   
  
Caught off guard, you looked wide-eyed at him, at the men all perked by the sound of currency. You’d ask him how he would know you kept emergency cash on you but, of course he’d know. Finding your character you announced to them, “I do!” With your innocent facade you lifted your purse and pulled out a thick bundle of cash bound in a rubber band. “Probably a couple thousand more if we leave here happy!”  
  
Stealing a glance of Ed, wondering if you’d played your part right, you found him smiling gleeful at you. Turning that smile to the goons, he shrugged, “Couple grand doesn’t sound too bad in exchange for some answers… does it.”  
  
The leader leaned back to his group, the five huddling and whispering to each other. The guns started lowering as they wrapped up in heated and hushed debate. You clutched the money a bit close like it was your body armor, hoping they’d not realize they could shoot you both and take it.   
  
You didn’t realize Edward leaned into your proximity until you felt his breath on your neck. "This might be a pretty nice dynamic.” You gave him a questioning look and he explained with a big smile, “It’s often the woman as the wise guide while the man is a bumbling buffoon. It’s kind of cute we have the reverse of that.”  
  
Ed looked back at the five while you seethed up at him. “You know, I honestly can’t tell when you’re insulting me on purpose or insulting me on accident.”  
  
Taken back, he countered your glare with an accusing, “Why are you so defensive about your caricature?”  
  
The question flustered you, made you shift as you tried to defend, “She’s doing her best, okay, she doesn’t deserve to be mocked by you.” huffing the frustration, you snapped at him, “Just, stop making fun of my persona. I don’t make fun of yours.”  
  
Edwards jaw set and the air around him prickled. You stepped on a nerve, and that idea after all this brushed away bickering made your skin cold. “I don’t have one.” He growled.  
  
Swaying on your fears, gambling how to treat the situation, you murmured, “That’s not what Harvey Bullock had to say.”  
  
“Oh?” The smirk he gave had such a bitter edge you could taste it. “Asking around about me were you?” Ed shifted, looming over you and pointing at your chest like he wanted to rip out your heart. “Now you listen, the man I was before-”   
  
An insistent cough grabbed the tension. Ed’s glower crawled to the thugs, chests puffed with consensus. With a last warning look, he pushed his glasses back up and faced them with an impatient smile.  
  
“Butch Gilzean.”  
  
All your fear rushed out with a hard victorious clap of your hands. “HA! CALLED IT!”  
  
A reluctant smile made its way on Ed, some of that angry air slipping. “Two thousand for the name, but… would another five be enough to hire you for myself?”  
  
The whole room raised a brow to that. The leader gave an impressed upturn of his lip, “Buddy, for five thousand I’d even tap dance and sing for ya. Though mind ya, the vocals might shatter some windows.”  
  
“Noted.”   
  
Ed tried to give you the okay to hand over the money but you were hesitant, leaning in and whispering out the corner of your mouth. “Five thousands a lot don’t ya think? I only managed to steal like eight.”  
  
That earned you a look of indignity. “We’ll plan to rob a bank when we get home, would that make you feel better?”  
  
Your face shifted as you thought. Giving an agreeable shrug you walked up to the big men with big guns, plopping the roll of cash in their hands. Rushing back to Ed, the leader unwound and flipped through the bundle. “They’re all twenties and tens.” He was downright disgusted by the scene.  
  
With your cheery ditsy aura, you explained, “Oh! When you pull out a hundred in public, people want to get in your business wondering where you got hundreds. But when you pull out twenties and tens, well that’s business as usual!”  
  
The leader hummed in surprise, looking down at the bundle before offering you a flirty smile, “That’s awful smart of you little lady.”  
  
You twisted, bashful and cute, finding Ed frowning at you in disbelief. How many times did you break out of character tonight, and they wanted to believe in the ditsy persona instead? A chuckle escaped you at the irony you saw so often, bubbling one up from Ed after he got over the shock.


	4. Chapter 4

The party was only days away now and for some reason Ed hadn’t made the slightest move. At least not in front of you. But he also hadn’t told Oswald either. The Mayor ranted and raved behind the scenes about everyone’s incompetence in everything. Ed would only lament to him,  _what a bunch of idiots those lackeys were._

In your gut you knew he was making plans without you. As shameful as it was to admit, you were getting jealous over the lack of attention. Lackeys were like partners right? Shouldn’t you be in on this mischievous game? So when Ed came over, voice low and teeming with excitement, you were more bitter than you should have been.

“The plot thickens!” Ed slid in on your desk till his face was an inch from yours, a big smile on him. Not bothering to look at him you gave an indignant hum.

“ _Did you know_ , your ancestry dates back to one of the founding families of Gotham?” You stilled in your distracting work. “Your Grandfather is the leading shareholder of the Psi Drug Corporation. Is one of the richest men in the world  _and_ , with both his children gone, guess whose his only legitimate heir?”

Ed sat back so proud of himself, like he’d uncovered your greatest mystery. Yet his grin started to wane when your glare at him was steep and hard and entirely out of character. Slapping the papers on your desk you stood up, the chair skidding behind you. Marching toward the exit of the building, Ed, confused and startled, rushed up behind you.

“So I take it you knew about that.” You didn’t reply, keeping your sights to the glass doors. “I’m sensing a sort of family feud here?” As you exited you whipped around the corner and yanked Ed by his tie.

“You stay away from my family, you got that? I don’t care about being your stupid lackey and being forced into your harebrained ideas-”

“Harebrained?”

“But you leave anyone and everyone related to me out of this.”

His eyes glanced off, brow furrowed and lip turned in thought. “It’s not like you have much family left, least of all people you know. All your parents and guardians are either dead or missing.”

You pulled him closer. “Never get into contact with my Grandfather. Not for anything. Don’t ever tell him about me or that I’m here. Do I make myself clear? No grandpa.”

Still holding onto his curiosity Ed didn’t answer. You yanked his tie hard enough to choke him and he caved, “Alright! No grandpa!”

You let him go. Ed straightened himself up with a frown while you took in some open air to calm down.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Ed grumbled. “You like money so much I thought I was doing something nice for you.”

“ _Ed!_ ” You chided with a great rise and fall of your hands, clapping them on your thighs.

“What?”

“You’re  _The Boss_ , you’re not suppose to do nice things for me!” Caught of guard he tried to say anything to defend himself. While he stumbled a lot you tilting your head, teasing him with pretended you couldn’t hear very well.

In the end all he came up with was a flustered, “It’s… complicated!”

You rubbed a frustrated hand down your face. “I’m sure it is. Look, treat me like the lackey you ‘hired’ me as and don’t complicate things further. Like the party this Saturday.”

“What about it?” His dismissal was so ignorant you were dumbfounded.

“You have a plan! I want in on it! That’s what this whole arrangement is suppose to be for!”

Ed shrugged, “That’s true but it has some elements I didn’t think you were ready-” He suddenly gasped startling you. A devious smile grew on him that made your stomach flutter. “You want in on it?”

Stiffly you leaned away from him. “I… well…”

He only leaned closer, “As in, you want to join in on the planning and the games?” You shifted a bit, still stuttering. “As in, working together, to enact some depravity?”

“It-it-it’s complicated!”

Satisfied with himself, “I’m sure it is.” Ed opened the door to step inside. “Come by my place tonight and I’ll explain everything.”

With a hotty sigh you followed him in a few moments later, only to come face to face with a very pleased Tandy.

“Oh…” There was nothing you could say to save yourself from her and you both knew it. With a sigh you gave the most abysmal, “Hi Tandy.”

* * *

You knew her nosy interest would have been sparked with the fight at the office, but you didn’t expect her to stalk you. She really thought you wouldn’t recognize her car, that you saw everyday, not so stealthily following you at a distance all through the city? Pulling up near Nygma’s complex you shook your head.

Busting in his door without knocking to be extra spiteful, you lamented. “So to warn you, I spotted Tandy following me.” You walked in and dropped your things off like you lived there, meaning tossing them on the ground. Edward glared at the mess you were making from behind his book, but took an interest hearing about Tandy.

“It’s not a problem.” You waved off. “She knows I’m seeing you after work and that’s all she needs to spin some ridiculous story. Tandy will get bored in about fifteen minutes and leave.”

Still, Ed got up from the couch and shuffled behind a corner of the window to find her car in the street. You enjoyed his antsy energy while you rummaged in his fridge for a drink. Finding only glass bottled soda, you stole one and popped off the top.

After much thought from him, Ed asked, “Should we make a display?” You tilted your head in question. “Of our relationship?”

Had you been mid drink you would have sputtered it all out. “We don’t have to. I could stand in the middle of the office and shout ‘HELP ME, EDWARD NYGMA HAS A GUN TO MY BACK!’ and they’d all go ‘Ooh! Lovers Quarrel! So cute!’.”

It didn’t ease Ed, him instead staring off into the table beside him, debating inside. “Still though… couldn’t hurt to have them wound up in the image with evidence.”

The insistence made you a tad nervous, downing more of your soda than you intended. With a clearing of your throat you asked, “What kind of display were you thinking of?”

“Well, a kiss is typically the obvious answer.” He was being very professional about it, no hint Ed was nearly as apprehensive as you were. Collected as he was, your hands went clammy and the room shrank.

Giving a steadying sigh and setting down the drink on the counter, “Yeah, I guess it couldn’t hurt.”

The only thing confident about your stride was that it reached him quick enough. You both stood in front of the window, the blinds slanted half open. You assumed deep inside he was as nervous as you, that he’d be as ill equipped as you. Yet when your eyes met his, all that calculative demeanor was stripped away for a wicked smile.

It startled you, though maybe it shouldn’t have. Maybe it was pride, maybe it was coping, but you kept deluding yourself into thinking the power he held didn’t eclipse you as much as it really did. Only to be met with these heart stopping moments of realization.

His hands came up to cup your face and your heart jumped. No strength used and yet you felt like he’d clasped you in chains. Was it wrong to find it charming that he outwitted you, that you willingly walked right into his trap and Ed dared to not even hide his arrogance?

Stunned in stillness he took his kiss with a grin, fright battling against the fluttering in your stomach. It was just the right mix of confidence and softness. Slow breaking apart and taking your breath with him. The whole time you hadn’t moved, only let it happen and Ed taunted in that low deep voice that had your skin tingling, “Come on, you can act better than that.”

The hidden praise pulled a smirk from you, scoffing callously and trying desperately to push back the burning in your face. Your ego was stroked and while you knew that was exactly why he said it, your hands lazily took his waist and pulled him flush against you. Hopping up on your tiptoes to kiss him again, and Ed chuckled against your lips with victory.

All that was left in him was confidence, not hesitating to fill your open kiss with his tongue, stroking what was once panic into a thoughtless hunger for more, to prove more. Hands slayed wide and pressing hard ran up your sides and your back, till his embrace was complete and he could grip the back of your neck. Making his cage more strict, more demanding, you’re body keening until you were barely standing anymore and you hung onto him for balance.

Your hip bumped the table, it loudly hitting the wall. Ed’s grip dropped fast to raise you to it, pushing you onto your elbows with near biting kisses he pressed and lead so hard. The heat of him between your legs sent them shivering, every closing press of him along your body keeping your breath away and making you dizzy.

The flutter of the blinds sent a rush of cold down your front. The kiss broke and you looked over your shoulder, only to come back with Ed paces away from your burning body now shivering with rejection.

“With that out of the way we should talk about those party plans!” He smiled brightly and walked into a spare room, leaving you completely whiplashed. Blinking a few times you found him nearly to his desk when he motioned for you to come closer.

Quickly snapping your legs shut, you hopped off and straightened your outfit. “R-right.” You stammered even in your walk. “Yeah.”

Avoiding looking directly at him, you failed to watch his eyes on you like a hawk, and when you made your way beside him Ed chimed as he opened his folder. “You are definitely more ready than I thought you were.”

* * *

You didn’t get any sleep that night. Today you ran errands with a haze of exhaustion and a torment of last night’s memory. People kept coming up thinking they were teasing you made the sting he’d left that much worse.

The day had almost ended without any interaction from Ed. You filed away the last of the receipts when a body came up close beside you. A very familiar and very expensive scent of the Mayor. You wanted to sigh and shoo him away, but instead straightened your back and pulled up your happy persona.

“Mayor Cobblepot! I didn’t see you-”

“Shut up.” You did so, surprised at the anger directed toward you. It was the first time Oswald directed  _anything_  at you. “You and Ed huh? You know, I assumed it was all rumors, seeing as Ed was more incline to mock you and boast about his newly captured toy.” You tensed with agitation hearing that. You supposed you shouldn’t have expected better of Ed. Though you did always wonder if he told Oswald, at least you knew now just how close they were. “Now imagine my surprise when he comes up to me, giddy as a kid, telling me how things have ‘evolved’ and you two are going to be one of those couples everyone romanticizes in the papers!”

Now  _that_  was some news. With how last night ended you’d figure he was being his persnickety self, not disillusioned. After a few failed opening your mouth to explain and nothing coming out, you decided to be honest about it. “Okay… I… I don’t know how to explain his view of what happened, but it… it’s complicated. Things got really complicated really-”

Oswald stepped forward and for being a small guy gave off big waves of intimidation, smiling delighted as he spoke. “Listen close because I don’t like repeating myself. If the relationship between you and Ed becomes more than just Boss and Lackey, I  _will_  kill you.” You went cold, leaning back from him while he smiled at the thought. “I’ll… have your brakes cut. Poison your coffee. Have you beaten to death in some alley. Or maybe I’ll do it myself and shoot you on the peer to leave you for the fish. Do I make myself clear?”

Scrunched up small against the file cabinet, your eyes went from terrified to suspicious. You’d thought on their relationship many times, always wondering where the lines were supposed to be because they fluctuate so often. There was one thing you knew for sure: Oswald never looked at anyone with such glitter in his eyes, as he did for Edward Nygma. “Does… he know how you feel?”

Oswald took back at the question. Your brows raising to know you were right about this being a jealousy induced threat. He stuttered a moment before snapping frustrated and yelling at you, “Do I make myself clear!?”

You flinched and complied with a nod, “I’ll-I’ll tell him we should tone down the PDA!”

“Good.” Oswald smiled in satisfaction. “Pleasure talking to you.”

As he walked out of sight you tossed down the files in a pout, letting the papers all scatter about. Something to give your idle mind and idle hands something to do other than fiddle on your doomed fate. If Ed wasn’t going to kill you, Oswald certainly would now. Rubbing your face you had to wonder how you got wrapped up in this.


End file.
